Wonder what are these 45 minutes?
Every night I stay up for 45 minutes before I can finally fall asleep. What happens in these 45 minutes? I regret. Every night I regret everything I missed out or did wrong. I make promises to myself that i can’t keep. I make resolutions to myself that i can’t hold. I convince myself that what I did was right and not wrong. Finally half unconvinced I fall asleep. Night is a funny thing. It’s only when you are falling asleep you’ll realise that you are doing things wrong. I believe this is a state of mind. Definitely not a healthy one. Questioning yourself is the worst fucking thing that you can do. If you can’t believe in yourself then no one else should.
A very strong word. Almost perfect for our breed of parents in India. But this is exactly how i feel every night. I say things and do completely different things. I put in my efforts somewhere else and expect results to show differently. I feel as if I’m alone at night. Its a feeling as though there is no one I can talk to. There isn’t anyone who knows everything about. There isn’t anyone who I can trust. I feel lonely.
Well I do not think that I should continue this way. The night is beautiful and so am I. I need to look for things that will make me happy. I need to do things that will make me feel proud before I fall asleep. I need to fix myself and I WILL.