Crazed And Confused

College

The lux we all keep waiting for. While we think this is that amazing part of life where you can be carefree, get laid and finally be unquestioned. Well college strips you down. It separates and segregates people. Lines up people right up and gives them a reality check. A few years in college can make or break your life. You want a Ferrari? Now’s the time to start.

I see myself in the same situation. Currently swimming in an ocean. Need to chose a direction and swim. Don’t know if I’ll find the shore. Can kill to try. But do i have a choice?

I feel so confused. Don’t know what will work in the real world. Don’t know what won’t work. Everyone’s asking me to make my own decisions but how do I. There is no precedence. It’s driving me crazy. Don’t know what to do and how to do. All i know is I wanna be on the top. Hard work? crazy hours? I’m gonna do it all. I’m going to make sure that people keep watching me while I’m long gone.

I’ve got a show to put up. For myself. For others.

I want all heads turning when I enter a room and I’m gonna make it happen.

45 Minutes…….

Wonder what are these 45 minutes?

Every night I stay up for 45 minutes before I can finally fall asleep. What happens in these 45 minutes? I regret. Every night I regret everything I missed out or did wrong. I make promises to myself that i can’t keep. I make resolutions to myself that i can’t hold. I convince myself that what I did was right and not wrong. Finally half unconvinced I fall asleep. Night is a funny thing. It’s only when you are falling asleep you’ll realise that you are doing things wrong. I believe this is a state of mind. Definitely not a healthy one. Questioning yourself is the worst fucking thing that you can do. If you can’t believe in yourself then no one else should.

HYPOCRITE

A very strong word. Almost perfect for our breed of parents in India. But this is exactly how i feel every night. I say things and do completely different things. I put in my efforts somewhere else and expect results to show differently. I feel as if I’m alone at night. Its a feeling as though there is no one I can talk to. There isn’t anyone who knows everything about. There isn’t anyone who I can trust. I feel lonely.

Well I do not think that I should continue this way. The night is beautiful and so am I. I need to look for things that will make me happy. I need to do things that will make me feel proud before I fall asleep. I need to fix myself and I WILL.

diwali lights2

Single Simple

Giving relationship advise today guys, warm yourselves up.

Relationship as a noun –

                             “The way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected”

A relative term. Means so many different things to everyone. For some people it’s their life. For others its entertainment. Some are midway. I’ve been in and out of relationships too. It’s a wonderful experience though. It teaches you. It nurtures you and then it pulls you down all over again to begin again.

I have’t been able to get over my last girlfriend. Don’t know why. Emotions taking more my mind. Can’t seem to get a hold of them. Often i realize that my ex girlfriend does things just to get my attention. She says something else and means something else. Here I stand, ready to take a bullet for her and there she stands not even prepared to share her social life with me. Its a hollowing feeling. BUT, we’re too much in love aren’t we? Don’t know where to go. Always winding up back to her feet.

Well learnt something the hard way. We always can do better. We are only limited by our imagination. There isn’t just one girl on this planet. You’ll ALWAYS find some else. Some one who thinks just like you. In your teens attention always seems the answer. It isn’t.

Someone or something that makes you happy is.

The Undershadow

Today I am going to tell you something very beautiful. A relationship not chosen by me, but a relationship given to me. A bond that cannot be replaced, a bond that cannot be replicated.

A brother.

I’m the younger one. My family is a set of four. Small little like a soap pack. A highly dysfunctional lot. Making me curse my own existence on half the days. Not a very a very patient lot.

But…………….

..They’re all I’ve had. They remind me that the world still has good people left. They make me feel that unconditional love does exist. They make me realize that everything is not wrong. They are my light at the end of the tunnel. They are my family.

So I have an elder brother. Our age gap around 7 years. This age was always like a big wall. My brother who I wanted to be my best friend turned out to be my father. A blessing in disguise, most definitely yes. He was always Mum’s favorite. Dad was always proud. Why shouldn’t they be? The hell even I was. The sport star of his school and the dancer of all the parties. Can’t say I never envied who he was and what he did. It always felt like a competition. The hell, we were two young boys, why wouldn’t we compete? In fact that’s all we knew.

Always a messy equation. We shouted we fought physically. But we did one thing right. We understood. We didn’t really need to talk. One look would suffice. Something I’ve not had from anyone.

People always liked him more. He was the OG starboy. People knew me by his name. I was always introduced his brother. I failed to see it then. What I was thought to be an embarrassment was in fact the greatest advantage I’ve had. I always felt that I was being shadowed. I felt as if I got always the lesser of things. I felt alone and distant at times. I felt that my parents with unfair with me.

Then? Then i grew up.

A real funny thing. I found my idol in my own house. I had my benchmark. I had my guiding principle. I had my mark that i needed to beat and guess what? My brother was there to help me beat it. With money, with love and with patience. Unconditionally. He was there and moreover he was ready.

I’m still in college. I’m not saying I have surpassed him. I’m not even close but I know that I’m going to shoot for the starts. Losing is not an option and failure is unacceptable.

I’m going to commit to my goals. I’m gonna make em proud :’). For him.

Sooner or later but it’s going to happen.

 

The Marsh

I feel lonely a lot. I was the famous guy in school. Walked my way in the 11th standard. Never expected to get the kind of attention i actually did. I was quite the introvert looking for no trouble. In fact I’d do just about anything not to get into one. During high school I thought I understood the world better than the others.

Then college happened…………

I went on to study in one of the best colleges in the country. Got out of all the attention. I was very confident about myself. I thought I’m going to excel in everything I do. I thought i has no competition since i was the competition. Very soon as college began i understood my place more precisely. Slowly and steadily I got left behind. I learnt one of the most important lessons very late that someone or the other will always be better than you. I did not receive the acceptance or the attention i thought I deserved. I thought others aren’t worthy of my friendship and surprising they thought the same. Time went on and so did life. In the beginning it didn’t hit me so hard, but I realized later that i was beginning to feel alone. I thought I’m wasting my time. Friends who were supposed to be there at my marriage reduced to strangers. Close friends couldn’t find the time to call. It’s not their fault, even I never made the effort to. It was only when i was upset that the realization deemed on me that I was alone. No one i could open upto. No one I could tell my feelings about. No one who would like to hear me succeed. No one who wouldn’t judge me for what I’ve done. No one for sharing my fantasies .

NO ONE

I thought as if I was sinking into my own feelings. I had no control over my emotions. No matter how much I told myself,

                 “I’m not alone. This is just a phase. It happens to everyone. I’m lucky enough to still have my parents.”

I has understood life wrong. Home and school is a very protected environment. We all have friends, the kind we overlook, the kind we take for granted, the kind we think aren’t good enough for us, the kind we think look ugly. No person should be judged by how they look or how they behave. Beauty lies within. We have to face our problems alone in life. Life is gruesome, life is cruel, it will try to crush you. It will trouble you and annoy you until you’re on the brink of giving up. Right then, will the magic happen.

             What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger?

                                                                                     Yes it does

You’re as alone as such as you want to be. In the time of need there will be one person who’ll rise for you. One person you thought you’ll never be friends with. One person who you thought wasn’t capable enough. It’s then that life will take you by a surprise and pull you out of the marsh.

It’s then you’ll realize that you were never alone…….

                                                 ……..you just didn’t know until now..

Soft Opening

Hey guys !

This is my first blog so I would like to introduce myself. I write very informally. My writing style involves a very conversational tone. Like many of you I am also in my late teens. There are a lot of problems I face on a day to day basis and I go through awful mental stress. This mental stress although sometimes feels as if it drowns me and at many other times it feels as if it’s nothing. Moral dilemmas, broken trust and forgotten friendships form a prominent part of my daily thought process.

I name myself as the lone sailor as I have been a national level sailor. Sailing in all its glory and prestige also puts you alone in the deep blue ocean. My mind palace is formed when I am in the waters. It is my view of scenic beauty. It is my serenity. I drive inspiration from the sea. I derive my motivation from it.

I hope my blogs are relatable to a few of you and it helps. My only purpose of writing this is to let you know, that you’re not alone. You aren’t suffering cause you’re supposed to. I am here for you.

Please keep reading. Trust me. It’ll be worth it.

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