Hey guys !
This is my first blog so I would like to introduce myself. I write very informally. My writing style involves a very conversational tone. Like many of you I am also in my late teens. There are a lot of problems I face on a day to day basis and I go through awful mental stress. This mental stress although sometimes feels as if it drowns me and at many other times it feels as if it’s nothing. Moral dilemmas, broken trust and forgotten friendships form a prominent part of my daily thought process.
I name myself as the lone sailor as I have been a national level sailor. Sailing in all its glory and prestige also puts you alone in the deep blue ocean. My mind palace is formed when I am in the waters. It is my view of scenic beauty. It is my serenity. I drive inspiration from the sea. I derive my motivation from it.
I hope my blogs are relatable to a few of you and it helps. My only purpose of writing this is to let you know, that you’re not alone. You aren’t suffering cause you’re supposed to. I am here for you.
Please keep reading. Trust me. It’ll be worth it.
Today I am going to tell you something very beautiful. A relationship not chosen by me, but a relationship given to me. A bond that cannot be replaced, a bond that cannot be replicated.
I’m the younger one. My family is a set of four. Small little like a soap pack. A highly dysfunctional lot. Making me curse my own existence on half the days. Not a very a very patient lot.
..They’re all I’ve had. They remind me that the world still has good people left. They make me feel that unconditional love does exist. They make me realize that everything is not wrong. They are my light at the end of the tunnel. They are my family.
So I have an elder brother. Our age gap around 7 years. This age was always like a big wall. My brother who I wanted to be my best friend turned out to be my father. A blessing in disguise, most definitely yes. He was always Mum’s favorite. Dad was always proud. Why shouldn’t they be? The hell even I was. The sport star of his school and the dancer of all the parties. Can’t say I never envied who he was and what he did. It always felt like a competition. The hell, we were two young boys, why wouldn’t we compete? In fact that’s all we knew.
Always a messy equation. We shouted we fought physically. But we did one thing right. We understood. We didn’t really need to talk. One look would suffice. Something I’ve not had from anyone.
People always liked him more. He was the OG starboy. People knew me by his name. I was always introduced his brother. I failed to see it then. What I was thought to be an embarrassment was in fact the greatest advantage I’ve had. I always felt that I was being shadowed. I felt as if I got always the lesser of things. I felt alone and distant at times. I felt that my parents with unfair with me.
Then? Then i grew up.
A real funny thing. I found my idol in my own house. I had my benchmark. I had my guiding principle. I had my mark that i needed to beat and guess what? My brother was there to help me beat it. With money, with love and with patience. Unconditionally. He was there and moreover he was ready.
I’m still in college. I’m not saying I have surpassed him. I’m not even close but I know that I’m going to shoot for the starts. Losing is not an option and failure is unacceptable.
I’m going to commit to my goals. I’m gonna make em proud :’). For him.
Sooner or later but it’s going to happen.
I feel lonely a lot. I was the famous guy in school. Walked my way in the 11th standard. Never expected to get the kind of attention i actually did. I was quite the introvert looking for no trouble. In fact I’d do just about anything not to get into one. During high school I thought I understood the world better than the others.
Then college happened…………
I went on to study in one of the best colleges in the country. Got out of all the attention. I was very confident about myself. I thought I’m going to excel in everything I do. I thought i has no competition since i was the competition. Very soon as college began i understood my place more precisely. Slowly and steadily I got left behind. I learnt one of the most important lessons very late that someone or the other will always be better than you. I did not receive the acceptance or the attention i thought I deserved. I thought others aren’t worthy of my friendship and surprising they thought the same. Time went on and so did life. In the beginning it didn’t hit me so hard, but I realized later that i was beginning to feel alone. I thought I’m wasting my time. Friends who were supposed to be there at my marriage reduced to strangers. Close friends couldn’t find the time to call. It’s not their fault, even I never made the effort to. It was only when i was upset that the realization deemed on me that I was alone. No one i could open upto. No one I could tell my feelings about. No one who would like to hear me succeed. No one who wouldn’t judge me for what I’ve done. No one for sharing my fantasies .
I thought as if I was sinking into my own feelings. I had no control over my emotions. No matter how much I told myself,
“I’m not alone. This is just a phase. It happens to everyone. I’m lucky enough to still have my parents.”
I has understood life wrong. Home and school is a very protected environment. We all have friends, the kind we overlook, the kind we take for granted, the kind we think aren’t good enough for us, the kind we think look ugly. No person should be judged by how they look or how they behave. Beauty lies within. We have to face our problems alone in life. Life is gruesome, life is cruel, it will try to crush you. It will trouble you and annoy you until you’re on the brink of giving up. Right then, will the magic happen.
What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger?
Yes it does
You’re as alone as such as you want to be. In the time of need there will be one person who’ll rise for you. One person you thought you’ll never be friends with. One person who you thought wasn’t capable enough. It’s then that life will take you by a surprise and pull you out of the marsh.
It’s then you’ll realize that you were never alone…….
……..you just didn’t know until now..